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“Just when you think you know the answers, I change the questions.”

—”Rowdy” Roddy Piper, (RIP).

It is once again time for you, my loyal readers, to have your say. This week, I open up the CVD Mailbag and allow the masses to ask questions or opine on what Your Humble Columnist has scribed over the past few weeks.

Are these questions-comments real? They are as real as Hillary Clinton’s lustful desire to eat a pork-chop-on-a-stick at the Iowa State Fair.

“Your column about Donald Trump was the perfect example of elitism towards this great American. Trump speaks the truth! Get off your high horse!”

—Consuela, Preston, Idaho

My elitism has nothing to do with my disdain for Donald Trump’s need to be in the spotlight. This is not a presidential campaign. It is barely an argument about important issues facing this country. It is Donald Trump fulfilling his insatiable need for people to pay attention to him.

So what if he brings down the GOP with his vanity? It’s his world. The Republicans are just the unfortunate awardees of his megalomania. And the fact that Iowa and New Hampshire voters seem to be buying into his tired schtick makes me wonder if my party deserves his cancer eroding its imposing advantages going into 2016.

“If does not matter if you have a beard or not. You are fat, ugly and obnoxious either way.”

—Lynn, Logan

This reminds me of a great W.C. Fields line from one of his movies. He is in an argument with a haughty woman whilst in a drunken stupor. At some point he loses his cool and tells her she is ugly. The woman shoots back that he is drunk.

His response? “Yeah? Well, I’ll be sober in the morning.”

“Your columns on Zen philosophy and inner-peace have moved me greatly. It seems so unlike you.”

—Clinton, Mendon

It is unlike me. In fact, it is not me at all. Seeing the other guy’s columns listed next to mine does make for an interesting contrast in styles and personalities.

“Of course Hitchbot was destroyed in Philly. All one has to do is know who you are for five minutes to understand what kind of lowlife, Godless scum comes from the ‘City of Brotherly Love.’”

— Steve, Orem

Philadelphia is a portmanteau of two greek words. Philos, which means love, and Adelphi, which means brothers, or, more accurately, fraternity. City of Brotherly Love is the literal translation of the name. Those who live there have an impossible standard to meet. Who wants to be loving to people all the time?

Hitchbot is only famous because it failed. Maybe its demise is an ensign to the American psyche. Or maybe drunk people like to kick the crap out of condescending robots.

And I would not call Philadelphia Godless. Tim Tebow is currently on the Eagles’ roster. Pope Francis will be there in a couple of weeks. And Notre Dame plays Temple in Philly on Halloween.

God’s “Holy Trinity” resides in my hometown this autumn.

“Do you really have a problem with your kids supporting Bernie Sanders for president? They care about the future! Support their decision…feel the Bern!”

—Jason, Brigham City

I support most things my kids do. I just find it paradoxical that a man in his 70’s from Vermont can resonate with young people.

Sanders is, in many ways, the liberal mirror of Trump. He speaks passionately…and has a rabid following. And, like Trump, he has very little chance to win a general election. He has carved out a niche from Democrats who see the Clintons as insincere, deceitful, crooked, avaricious charlatans. His supporters are nearly all white, affluent and hungry for someone who has spoken up about liberal issues long before Hillary’s handlers told her it was necessary for her to “evolve” on such issues.

My kids want to support Bernie Sanders? Bully for them! When I was 18, do you know who I wanted to win the Democratic nomination in the 1988 election? Al Gore.

“What do you think the Aggies football team’s record will be this year?”

— Matt W., Logan

That question has been on my mind all week. With so many key players returning, this could really be the greatest year in Aggie’s history. That does not say much, but we are the ones who would get to see it.

I look at four games that are tough at first glance. Going to Utah and Washington, and having Boise State and BYU coming to Logan.

The Aggies lack that huge road win against a power conference opponent. The Utes are good, but can they score points? The Huskies are down, but Seattle is never easy for a road team to walk into and take a win.

Boise State is better than us. I have to call that a loss.

BYU has had a nightmare of an August. Many of their top players have fallen to injuries, or have left the team for undisclosed reasons…my guess is they had sex with their girlfriends. BYU has much to do to be better than us come Thanksgiving weekend.

I think 10 wins is possible. 9 wins is most likely. 7 or 8 wins if we are not as good as we look, or Fresno State, San Diego State and/or Air Force catch us on a bad day.

Two weeks away. The wait is killing me!

“Are you going to be a drunken mess at the Aggie tailgates again?”

Korry H., Smithfield

Yes.

“I have to use a dictionary to read your columns. Stop it with all the fancy words. What is your favorite word in the English language?”

Betty, North Logan

Slather. I try and use that word once a day. It just sounds great.

Well, that is it for the mailbag. The summer is nearly done. I hope the break in the weather comes quickly. Few things make me happier than autumn. Do yourself a favor and get down to the stadium for an Aggie football game. Or head to one of the local high schools and support their teams. We have winning football up and down Cache Valley. Savor it.

By Staff