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“I never said most of the things I said.”

— Yogi Berra

How has your summer been? Not boring I hope. It has been an eventful summer for me so far.

Most election years are sparse with slow news days. This year is certainly one where a single day can fill all the newspapers that most Americans do not buy or read anymore.

I have had much fun with my recent columns. Now, Your Humble Columnist turns over my page to his faithful readers by opening the recondite CVD mailbag.

Are these real letters from real readers? No.

There! After three years, I admitted it! Sod off!

“Your Donald Trump hate just affirms that he is the only one that can make America great again. You are just another Republican elite sore loser that can’t accept the Trump Train is running over all the haters. Shut up, loser!”

Jim P., Logan

Whoa there! You are the worst winner I have seen since the Seattle Seahawks. Let us go through this meticulously. I did leave the GOP because of Trump’s ascension. I have never been an elite in anything but the dark caverns of my muddled mind. Donald Trump is only interested in making himself money. All of you that believe he is your reality TV star turned messiah are disturbingly stupid.

“Don’t you think comparing Trump to Hitler was unfair?’

—Shauna, Mendon, UT.

Yes, it was unfair. Hitler was not avaricious and gave focused, articulate speeches.

In my column where I compare Trump’s rise to Germany in 1932 I stated emphatically that no one rolls out of bed in the morning and decides to become Hitler. It takes years of hard work.

Trump incites the worst of people who are going through bad times. He creates boogey-men in the minds of angry, uneducated people and exploits that anger for political gain. He demonizes “them” so that tribal animus and paranoia become the main motivators for his base.

Trump could start a world war. U.S. presidents have that power by their words and deeds. Trump really can be worse than Hitler if he wins this election.

“Who the heck are you to tell me my children aren’t special? I have raised Brixtyn, Steele and Quynzee to believe they are amazing and wonderful. If you do not like sitting in a restaurant with my rock stars, maybe you should leave! My beautiful children have as much a right to be in fancy restaurants or movie theaters as you do. It is pathetic how a child hater can have a column on a legitimate news website.”

Brytannee L., Provo, Utah

Quynzee? They stone people to death for that in Saudi Arabia.

Who am I to tell you that your children are not special? I am the guy who paid to sit in a quiet movie theater to watch a film, not hear Steele scream in a voice that makes dogs writhe in agony. I am the guy who wants to enjoy a conversation with a dinner companion without Brixtyn clanking his fork on his high chair because you have not paid attention to him for a whole five seconds.

Screaming children are not cute. You are not entitled to have the world yield in silent dismay as your children ruin their plans for a peaceful night out. Teach your children that those human beings that are occupying the same space as them have a reasonable expectation of courtesy, civility and serenity.

If your children are in public places and are acting up, you are in the wrong if you do not put a stop to it immediately. You are a failure as a parent and your children are awful.

“Weren’t you the guy who said Germany would win the Euro Cup? Didn’t they lose to France in the semis?”

Jean-Luc, La Barre, France

Yes, Germany did lose to France. And then France lost to Portugal in the Final. The only good thing to come from this is that my insomnia was cured thanks to my watching this tournament.

It is hard for me to make a case for why soccer is a beautiful and exciting game after this three week snoozefest. When soccer is played with flare and finesse, there is no more exhilarating sport on the planet to watch. When it is played negatively, it earns the scorn that many Americans hold for it as a sport.

“If you hate Twitter so much, why are you back on Twitter?”

Manuel, Franklin, Idaho

I am weak.

“You are right on target with your criticism of Logan not having good paying jobs. I wish you could offer more solutions. You got any?”

—Dave K. Logan

Fight the state regarding over-regulation of small businesses. Hire, or assign, an emissary to the DABC to discuss future disputes regarding liquor licenses in Cache Valley. More bike and pedestrian friendly areas. Find companies that still want to open factories and warehouses and build them here. More entertainment on Sundays. Stop making chain restaurants and retail stores the main priority.

That is just for starters.

Finally, someone under a pseudonym asked a question in the comment section of my column last week. I feel like I should answer actual questions posed to me. So…

“Are you a left-handed person per chance?”

—Silkwind, parts unknown

I am oddly ambidextrous. I write with my right hand. I throw a baseball with my right hand. Nearly everything else I do is left-handed. And I do not hold a pen like everyone else. I have my thumb on the inside of the pen and all four fingers on the outside. Picture, if you can, the way someone would hold a whisk.

Back to old-fashioned columns next week. Seven weeks until the Aggies start the college football season. Counting the days!

By Staff