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“Time spent arguing with the faithful is, oddly enough, almost never wasted.”

—Christopher Hitchens, from his series of essays, “Letters to a Young Contrarian”.

I never liked the concept of April Fool’s Day. Maybe its because I am so often lost in my own head that when anyone ever says anything to me, I am not cognizant that it is the first day in April. Thus, I take what they say as truth. I can fairly well guarantee someone will have “got” me on an April Fool’s joke this year and next.

I doubt I will read anything on Internet news sites, or Twitter, that I will accept at face value. I do not have Facebook…but I am assuming that on 4/1 it is a pandemic of sanguine jokesters hoping to coax you into believing they really are moving to Winnipeg for a new job.

What better day for me to sit at my computer and type out letters from the (allegedly) mendacious CVK mailbag? Are these letters real? They are as real as Taco Bell’s plans to buy the Liberty Bell.

“Your bracket must have gotten busted early. Your Tournament picks sucked!” Brian, Salt Lake City

You obviously did not grasp the gist of my column. I stopped doing brackets. I ceased all forms of betting on sports. Sure enough, nearly every single reference I have seen regarding the Tournament has contained laments that exclusively cite people’s poor performance in their brackets. This has been a wonderful two weeks of college basketball. Great games…and I have enjoyed them all because I did not have “action” on any of them.

Don’t get me wrong, I will be slightly perturbed if Kentucky wins. Their coach, John Calipari, is everything that is wrong with sports. But I am not conflicted to root against him because Kentucky being crowned champion would win me a $25 gift card from Buffalo Wild Wings—-is that really winning?

Try this: Watch the games and enjoy the competition without having a monetary interest in the outcome or performance of the individuals.

“The Gardener’s Market moving downtown is the worst idea ever! There is no parking! I need parking! How the heck am I suppose to enjoy myself without parking!? What am I gonna do without parking?!?!” Gertrude S., Richmond, Utah

Whoa there, Gertie! It is OK! There are tons of parking spaces near the Old Courthouse.

The parking thing has me nonplussed. I understand that few people use a post office or a library anymore; so they are unaware of the area they scathingly rebuke. But I assumed that at some point everyone in Cache Valley has driven through the intersection of 100 West and 200 North. The one thing that area has is parking. You can build two Mormon chapels in that parking lot; and that probably will happen within the next decade.

Willow Park was an unquestionable failure. Ensconced far from Logan businesses, a visitor to the Market the past two years had nothing else to do after walking in one revolution around the vendors. There were no bathrooms close. Nothing to walk to or from. All that area had was…ummm, parking.

The Market is a huge draw. It should be right where it will be come Mother’s Day weekend…in the heart of town near businesses desirous and deserving of our patronage

“How can you write a column about The Breakfast Club without mentioning Pretty In Pink?” Annie, Logan

How? Easy! Because almost three decades after it was released, the ending of “Pretty In Pink” causes me boundless rancor. You really mean to tell me Andie would go with spineless, pygmy-faced Blane over devoted and loyal Duckie? Nope! That dog don’t hunt.

Then, after letting the love of his life go, Duckie turns around and, five seconds later, at the Prom, where everyone usually shows up with a date, some hot blonde is going to flirt with him? That was convenient!

It says much about the 80’s that test audiences wanted Andie to end up with Blane, so John Hughes went with that ending. Pardon my French, as Ferris Bueller would say, but that ending with bleeping bleep bleep!

“Take away personal bias and tell me who you think the GOP nominee for president will be?” Jaxtyn, North Logan, Utah

Jeb Bush. He has the money. He has the organizational machine in place. He has most of the GOP elite in his corner. Voter enthusiasm from the Republican electorate does not matter if you have those three things in your corner. I do not think it will even be close.

“Your column ripping Valentine’s Day and love was the most cynical thing I ever read! Maybe your negativity is the reason why you are lonely. Ever think of that?” Ashley P., Brigham City

I am not lonely at all. I am surrounded by people. Some of them are happy in love. Some of them are happy because they are unattached. Success in life is only marginally determined by how much others love you. It has to do more with how much we can love our own self.

This column is to be posted on April 2nd. If the person who loves you truly, madly, deeply handed you a love letter on this date; or, unexpectedly gave you the most sensual, passionate kiss of your life, I am willing to bet that it would have much more meaning than if it would have happened on February 14th. Because nothing special is assigned to April 2nd. Your lover just wanted to show you what you mean to them.

That has been and always will be my argument against Valentine’s Day. Obligation is the antithesis of love.

“Your sports columns are better than anything else you write. Do you have any baseball predictions?” Pete, Preston, ID

Yes I do, Pete! How fortunate you should ask that question. I could not have planned that better if I scribed fake letters to myself.

In the National League, I think it will look pretty close to last year. I have Washington, St. Louis and the Dodgers winning the divisions. I have Pittsburgh and San Francisco taking the wildcards. Sorry Cubs fans, but you are still a year away.

The American League will look much different from 2014. I have Toronto, Cleveland and Seattle winning their divisions with Baltimore and Kansas City making it back to October as wildcards.

I tend to favor pitching over hitting in the World Series. So, I am predicting the St. Louis Cardinals to sweep the Toronto Blue Jays to win the Fall Classic.

Well, that will due for now. Spring has sprung. Do yourself a favor and leave the car at home one day a week and walk around town. The exercise will do you good. And stop by a locally owned business to buy something.

The Gallery Walk in downtown Logan is Friday, April 10th. It starts at 6 PM. If the weather holds up, rediscover downtown Logan on that night and see what local artists are producing. Logan can be a great town, with or without ample parking.

By Staff