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“My girl, my girl, don’t lie to me.

Tell me, where did you sleep last night?”

—Kurt Cobain

May. What a strange name for a month. Few historians agree with the origin of the name. it is possible the 5th month was named for a Greek or Roman goddess of fertility. Maybe it came from a Latin word for growth; or, even a word that meant “old people.” Many stories abound. But May is when Spring is in full bloom. And with Spring comes some random thoughts from Your Humble Columnist.

*** The first two jewels of horse racing’s Triple Crown are in May. The Kentucky Derby is held on the first Saturday, and the Preakness Stakes is exactly two weeks after. Therein lies a complaint for many people.

It is said that with the three races held within five weeks—the Belmont Stakes is always slated for the Saturday in June—it is nearly impossible for any horse to win the Triple Crown. Many want the races spread over a longer duration to provide a horse with a chance at the Triple Crown to be more rested. Another highly implausible “solution” is to make it so only horses that are committed to run in all three races can do so.

I can dedicate an entire column to the lunacy of these hideously short-sighted ideas. Allow me to sum up my thoughts on this in a blurb.

It is not supposed to be easy to win the Triple Crown! That is why it is a thing!

Eleven horses are canonically considered Triple Crown winners. Seven of them won in an 18 year period between 1930 and 1948. Then the last three won in six year span between 1973 and 1978. We have had none since.

Cheapening an accomplishment in the name of “fairness” takes away why many who love horse racing are so desperate to see a Triple Crown winner. If the Kentucky Derby winner, American Pharoah (not a typo, that is how it is spelled), wins the Preakness we will have three weeks to get excited at the 14th horse since 1979 having a chance to do what seems so impossible to do.

That is why we love sports.

*** I refuse to go to a movie theater and see any more superhero films. When I saw “Birdman” last year, I was sold on a premise that I already believed. That being, these films are devoid of creativity or purpose. Loud, CGI-sodden superhero movies dominate the summer landscape. This is not new. I just do not understand why superhero films seem to be the only attraction.

There are films that have human characters who communicate using language that will be released this summer. Will they make money? Will they be any good? I hope so. I miss going to see movies during the summer.

And where is the Aquaman movie? Doesn’t anyone rip off banks in the middle of the Atlantic Ocean?

*** Do you still use Facebook? When they write the history of the 21st Century, they will talk about how millions of sheep made billions of dollars for corporations. What you view is sold to advertisers. And all you get is to “like” pages and see pictures of people you would not go out of your way to talk to otherwise.

Every generation is duped into making money for avaricious people because of their voyeurism and addiction to brain candy. None of you get a damn thing out of Facebook.

*** Utah’s liquor laws are, for the most part, a fatuous joke. But the Beehive State got one thing right amid its arcane lunacy. Anyone convicted of a felony should not be allowed in a position to manage a bar. ‘Nuff said.

*** Senator Mike Lee, of Utah, said he would be open to becoming a U.S Supreme Court Justice should one of his “friends” like Ted Cruz, of Texas, becomes president. Because we need more reasons to oppose Ted Cruz becoming president.

There be irony here! If Lee was to be appointed to SCOTUS, he would no longer be in the Senate. But Utah would just elect another embarrassingly short-sighted theocrat. So, practically, let’s all agree not to elect anyone Mike Lee calls a “friend” to become president.

*** The Democrats have a presumptive presidential nominee that refuses to take one question from the press. Hillary Clinton has officially announced her candidacy and has steadfastly refused to meet with any members of the media since then.

If America elects this woman, who has such an obvious contempt for those whose job it is to ask tough questions, it will get what it deserves. In one word: corruption.

*** Why does the NBA have an Eastern Conference? If LeBron James gets hurt, the East should just fold.

*** The NFL continues to produce documentaries where they look back at the Oakland Raiders’ teams from the 1970’s and 80’s with glassy-eyed nostalgia…but Tom Brady gets the #worsethanhitler hashtag?

Ray Rice cold-cocks his fiancee and originally gets benched for two games. Tom Brady may have known about footballs being doctored and he gets put down for four games?

So, by the NFL’s rationale, If Brady would have intentionally thrown the deflated footballs at his wife’s head, he would have gotten a six game suspension. 4+2?

I am not trying to make light of the subject of violence towards women. I just want some consistency.

*** The Cache Valley Gardener’s Market had its opening day this past Saturday. Despite a steady, cold drizzle, the day was a success. The closeness of the vendor’s tents, the setting and yes, the abundance of the oft-worshipped parking makes me believe its new location next to the historic Old Courthouse will be continuously spectacular.

I walked around downtown a bit during the Market’s hours. Despite the bad weather, local businesses seemed to receive an uptick of business. This should increase when we get good weather throughout the summer months.

Support local business. Go to the Market this (and every) Saturday and buy something.

*** Finally, a word or two about the documentary “Kurt Cobain: Montage of Heck.”

I went into my viewing with much skepticism. I knew that this film was the product of Cobain’s widow, Courtney Love. I try hard not to give in to too many conspiracy theories; but, I do believe that Love played a pivotal role in Cobain’s death. I am not convinced he committed suicide.

The film itself has moments of brilliance surrounded by unnecessary images meant to shock. I credit the filmmakers for showing how Cobain’s upbringing was the unfortunate muse for his lyrical genius. But overall, the film is a mess.

Cobain’s rapid decline into heroin addiction was a major factor in his tragic death. However, for this film to sugarcoat some of the incidences in the last weeks of his life—as well as flat-out ignoring other things that were going on during his last days—is appalling incompetence.

“Montage of Heck” is a propaganda film. It is meant to subliminally exonerate his widow from her husband’s demise. And that upsets me.

Good or bad, Cobain was the truest epitome of what that era in music represented to American youth. He deserves a better legacy than this film.

By Staff