Source: CVDaily Feed
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“I can live for two months on a good compliment.”
—Mark Twain
Two weeks into 2015 and I still have not caught up! That is January for most of us. The month we beg bill collectors to let us catch up in February. The month we notice we gained a few pounds. The month we look ahead and wonder how the heck will we make 2015 better than 2014.
And with so much going on, I have decided to make some predictions for 2015. We can come back to this column at the end of the year and see how I did. Let’s have some fun with this.
In the film “Back To The Future, Part II”, it is predicted that the Chicago Cubs will win the World Series in 2015. I say this prophecy comes true! The Cubs have hired Svengali manager Joe Madden to run the team. They have young, talented players. And, by winning the World Series, the Cubs can stop me from stating how it was mathematically possible for someone to have met Thomas Jefferson and been a witness to the Cubs’ last championship.
2. Taylor Swift will get curb-stomped by the Kardashian sisters for stealing all their press, because the Internet somehow is not big enough for all of their combined irrelevance.
3. In July, the spacecraft New Horizons will pass by Pluto. And while I personally will be fascinated by the knowledge we gain from this remarkable scientific achievement, I will still have to shake my head at how much it costs to send a satellite past a rock deep in space that does not help a single human being on Earth. My prediction is that Pluto and its “moon” Charon will captivate the world’s attention. And we will all envy its solitude.
4. The good news is the Utah legislature will revoke the so-called “Zion Curtain” law, which prohibits cocktails from being poured in front of impressionable children who are eating 2,000 calorie plates of crappy food in chain restaurants. The bad news is the legislature will find some other arcane, supercilious way to make Utahns who drink alcohol feel like a pariah.
5. In 2015, there will no warehouses to rent as tech companies will have to use them all to store all of these “curved” televisions somewhere. The warehouses with the 3-D TVs are already filled to maximum capacity. On that note, if you still pay extra money to see a film in 3-D, you are pretty much a clueless idiot who should be forcefully prevented from procreating.
6. Rand Paul will run for president. Libertarians will rejoice. Paul will not poll over 3% on December 31st. Libertarians will call American voters stupid.
7. I predict that all predictions by climate scientists will once again fail to materialize. And the mainstream media will fall shamelessly silent.
8. President Obama will continue to use drones to bomb Muslim jihadist outposts throughout the Middle East. The problem is, the murderers he needs to kill are in Paris, Amsterdam, Berlin, London, New York City and somewhere terrifyingly close to where someone you love lives.
9. Sequels and reboots are set for Mad Max, The Terminator, The Amityville Horror, Friday the 13th and, most egregiously, Vacation—where a grown-up Rusty Griswold follows in his father’s footsteps by taking his family on a cross-country vacation. A note to Hollywood: I also miss the 80’s. But they are dead. Let them go!
10. In Logan, Utah, more chain restaurants will open. More trashy people will be on the front page of the Herald-Journal and CVD because they are pill-poppers and child molesters. Petty crime will go up. The air will be dirtier than ever. Everyone will still be making less than $10 an hour at a job where they are easily replaced…and all the letters-to-the-editors will worry about is the crypto-communism entailed in a free bus system and roundabouts.
11. More massacres will continue to take place using guns. And the sites of these massacres will all take place in areas where the perpetrators will be highly confident that no one present will be carrying a gun.
12. In Aggie sports, Stew Morrill will leave USU with the same number of NCAA Tournament wins that he had at the end of 2001. Also, Boise State and BYU will get an extra home game played in Romney Stadium come football season because Cache Valley residents will be too broke, or too cheap, to buy tickets to those games.
13. In television, all programming will be exclusively shown on each network’s own streaming service. Which is the way television worked for the first 60 years of its existence—it was just that you had to buy a television to see it.
14. By year’s end, Mark Zuckerberg will give an interview where he admits Facebook was a tool for him to gain control over everyone’s life. He will call everyone who has Facebook his own personal sheep, and then he will light a victory cigar with a $100,000,000 bill bearing his likeness. And none of you will do anything about it.
15. Finally, on a personal note, when 2015 is over, I will weigh under 220 lbs. I will have FINALLY eradicated all the negative influences from my life. I will have a job that I like. And I predict this will all happen with me staying in Logan, Utah.
If this column is still around by year’s end, we will see how I did with my predictions. If they all fail, at least we can crack a joke or two and have fun at my expense. But if my predictions are right, then we will all be Cubs fans who watch crappy movies.
I hope I am wrong.